It's 1:00 am in the morning and I am tired. Oh so tired.

      It's 1:00 in the morning and I am tired. Oh so tired. The children went to bed late, as what usually happens during the summer months. They are always just too excited to soak up every minute of daylight and enjoy the outdoors. So yes, once again they went to bed late. Happy, but late. So what does that mean for me? Well, my downtime is pushed up to quite a bit later into the night. I simply can't move. I am exhausted. My body is yelling at me to slow down. To sit. I need some time to re-charge my emotional batteries after spending long days with loving but intense little people. I need time to collect my thoughts, think about the children, where I can improve, where we can improve as a family. Of course my thoughts almost always tend to wonder to where I made mistakes and wondering if I am failing as a mother. Am I giving them the tools they need to face adulthood? Am I showing them what passionate, loving parenting is all about, or am I simply coming across as a tired mother who can't get a grip on the mess, or in their eyes, life? As I look around me, there is quite a mess, so perhaps I didn't overdo it on the cleaning and did indeed give them attention. To be quite honest, it was such a whirl wind that frankly it's hard to remember the positive things I may have done as a parent. It's easier to remember where I went wrong. Where I lost my patience too quickly, where I had the opportunity to read a book to a child but instead went to clean up a spill. Where I didn't turn to answer my oldest as he excitedly told me about his day. I nodded, but I didn't meet his excitement.

   

      It's the end of the day and I need some time to sit, read, write, or perhaps to simply do nothing.

      Ok, I must admit that if I am sitting and doing nothing at the end of the day it means I am too tired to move my body, get up and get ready for bed. I have been known to sit on the couch late at night for a couple of hours too tired to get ready for bed. Too tired to put away any cleaning supplies, spices, liquid soap, salad dressing, tzedaka pennies, toilet paper or anything else our dear Sruly might enjoy watching ever so slowly being flushed or dumped down the drain at 4am. Too tired to lock the necessary cabinets, fridge, door locks. Too tired to clean up the evidence of happy children who played hard and left a tornado in their wake... I turn to my husband for help, but he is sleeping. Sitting up. It amazes me how men can do that. Imagine if women could do that. If we could sleep sitting up, or fall asleep right before our head hits the pillow, or even snooze standing up. Yes, I have seen fathers do that. I have seen my grandfather doze off while he was standing. (The sofa was behind him.) But here I am, too tired to move. Too tired to get up and go to bed.

      I wish I could stay half asleep and clean up like my husband, practically not missing what looks like deep  sleep, but I can't. I gaze at him again and smile. I feel truly blessed to raise our rambunctious crew with such a devoted man. You don't hear very much about the Dads of special needs children, but let me tell you, they are more special than words can even attempt to describe. I feel blessed to have a partner with whom I can make my way through miles of red tape, learning to advocate, juggling Dr appointments, guiding little feet to their therapy appointments, cleaning up mysterious messes throughout the house that even Sherlock Holmes wouldn't be able to identify but somehow my husband can, picking up broken items, (today it was a box of light bulbs that I dropped), throwing out carpets (not even going to go there)....

      I hope to be blessed to walk till one hundred and twenty together with my husband and children on this mysterious ride we call life. I embrace our ups and downs, the challenges that G-d throws our way, our learning experiences, our mistakes, our love for one another, our passion, our tears, our imperfect lives but our perfectly imperfect children. I love you from the very depths of my soul.

      Dear precious ones, there are times I may be too tired to talk, too tired to join in with your enthusiasm, times where I loose my patience and snap, but my heart swells with a deep love I never knew existed.

      It's 1:00 in the morning and I am tired. Oh so tired. But my heart is dancing.

                                                                                                                                    photos by Mendel